Confessions of a Mustard Whore
You don’t have to heal to have fun. Sometimes, mustard—in all its spicy, messy glory—is your middle finger to perfectionism.
Let’s be real.
You’ve been trying to “be better” for years.
The clean eating, the self-help books, the crystals, the cacao, the journaling your intentions under the full moon while whispering affirmations into your hemp pillow.
And still, joy feels like something you have to earn.
Fun feels like something you’ll get to once you’ve healed enough.
And freedom? Ha. That feels like it belongs to someone else.
So when you see a grown-ass woman gleefully scooping spicy German mustard from a gallon bucket into tiny glass jars—calling herself a mustard whore like it’s the f*cking Grammy Awards—you might wonder:
“Why would anyone post that?”
Here’s why:
Because during a slow-travel stint through South America, I fell in love with this one specific spicy German mustard. Not enlightenment, not ayahuasca. Mustard. And when I got back to the States, I ordered TWO 1-gallon containers straight from Germany.
Yup. Imported. Industrial-sized.
And now? I scoop it into little jars like it’s self-care in condiment form—because for me, it is.
Because I stopped giving zero f*cks what anyone thinks.
Because I designed a life that’s mine—not one that checks society’s boxes.
And mustard? That’s my flavor of freedom.
Here’s your Truth Biscuit:
You don’t need to earn your joy.
You don’t need to be healed to have fun.
You just need to be YOU—farts, flaws, mustard jars and all.
There’s a reason you’ve felt off lately.
It’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because the version of you that’s been running the show—the one who plays nice, shrinks down, and asks for permission—is f*cking exhausted.
That version wants out.
And the real you?
The wild, wise, weird, unapologetic one?
She’s ready to come out and play.
Holistic Scaffolding™ is what helped me unf*ck my life.
It’s what lets me laugh at myself, post ridiculous sh*t without shame, and choose fun just because I can.
You don’t need another life coach.
You don’t need another cleanse.
You need to come home to YOU.
So tell me:
What’s YOUR mustard moment?
What’s the weird, joyful, “too much” thing you’ve been secretly craving?
👇 Drop it in the comments.
We’re cheering you on all the f*cking way.
I love all you people.
Love and ((HUGS)),
Laura Foster
